[ot][personal] cult reading notes

[Undiscussed Groomed for Male Slavery, One Victim of Many]

> helpful to describe that judgement as tending to pick the product of
> the usefulness and the difficulty, and making decisions when emotional
> memory bounds are tighter.

errata: this would the product of the usefulness and ease, or the
quotient of the usefulness over the difficulty; becomes apparent if
considered. note: i've found that at different times my inner procsses
can seem described by different heuristics, based on what influences
are most intense. usefulness * ease seems to make sense when confused
and determined, especially under pressure such as a time limit.

> That is, maybe, my mind will pick the part that looks clearer and less
> difficult, when taxed.
>
> "You will never be able to understand", held alone, is clearer than
> "the less you will ... [something confusing involving the word
> "understand"]", and both have the same initial expectation of

i am still irritated that somebody made this dangerous expression
ever. it seems like it has some kind of rudeness underneath it.

> expressing difficulty understanding things. My mind seems to try to
> handle the confusion by relying on the presence of the illogical
> internal phrase that makes more sense when held alone.

when i originally planned to add to these notes, i meant to make a
small concise addition, not a long-winded one.

> Summary: emotional memory, paired with subconscious choices to
> consider things that are more useful when taxed, can produce
> experiences that seem exotically bizarre and terrifying, when for me
> they seem mostly ways to avoid flashbacks that stimulate more relevant
> terror.
>
> Note: maybe show this to a therapist, even one I don't trust, seems
> really helpful. Comment: i could use more time thinking about this
> without real-time challenge, so as to be prepared for questions and
> new ideas better.
>